July 4th Soap Wish: General Hospital Declares Independence From Mob Rule

People of General Hospital, unite! Throw off the shackles of mob rule! You have nothing to lose but your chains! (And maybe some pecs and dimples…)

General Hospital History Lesson

People of Port Charles, by our count, you have lived under the thumb of organized crime since 1993, when innocent – though traumatized – high school girl, Karen, wandered into a strip club.

The owner gave her pills to make her feel better and eventually got her up on stage to take off her clothes. And thus a romantic leading man was born.

Go Forth and Multiply

Because said strip club owner possessed a killer set of dimples, he was allowed to stick around and reveal more of his illegal operations. (Though never hookers. Sonny is too moral for hookers. He draws the lines at underaged strippers and, presumably, pays them so far above minimum wage that they have no need to pick up johns, or even perform a lap dance or two, on the side.)

Next, the Dimpled Don took under his wing a brain-damaged former medical student and helped him channel his passion for saving lives into taking them. Because said hitman had some killer abs, he was allowed to stick around and make sure Sonny’s (Maurice Benard) illegal operations continued uninhibited. (But never drugs. Sonny is too moral for drugs. Those things destroy lives!)

Sonny Rules

What with one thing and another, 27 years passed, and now anyone in Port Charles who doesn’t worship at the altar of Sonny, Jason (Steve Burton) and their glorified gun-molls, Carly (Laura Wright) and Sam (Kelly Monaco), is considered the weirdo for failing to recognize just how much joy the mob has brought to their local community. (Did you know that if Sonny had never turned to crime, Robin would have died from AIDS? We’re guessing Sonny invented the life-saving cocktail in between shootouts?)

But what if we tell you it doesn’t have to be this way. People of Port Charles, declare your independence from the mob, now! General Hospital (GH) airs weekdays on ABC. Check your local listings for airtimes.