Dear Salem Matchmaker Inc (AKA Days of our Lives Dating Services), this is to inform you that a consortium of former clients have banded together in a class action suit to demand restitution for your shoddy work, which has caused grievous harm to the men and women who made use of your services, not to mention the boredom trigged in those compelled to watch said consequences play out.
Days of our Lives: Charge #1
Have you considered the possibility that easily 50 percent of the issues which arise after you have arranged a date for two people come from the fact that you make matches…then refuse to tell either party the name of the person they’re supposed to meet. Blue blazer? Red dress?
That is incredibly vague and sets the stage for multiple wacky shenanigans. We understand you don’t want to give out home addresses or even cell phone numbers, but how about a first name and a last initial? This might lead to fewer misunderstandings.
DAYS: Charge #2
Are you actually putting an effort into introducing people who might hit it off, or are you merely throwing darts at a wall full of headshots? Alternatively, are you considering that people are more than just their outer packaging?
What, exactly, did you think Li Shin (Remington Hoffman) and Melinda Trask (Tina Huang) had in common, besides the obvious? Was your next plan to set either one of them up with Wendy (Victoria Grace), for the same reason?
Days of our Lives: Charge #3
Do you do background checks to make sure your clients don’t end up with lunatics? Were you aware that Li’s date was obsessed with his criminal past? Isn’t that risky? Might that not lead to all sorts of law-breaking that would then be your responsibility?
DOOL: Charge #4
Salem may not be a giant town — despite the docks and the international airport. But what are the odds that three-fourths of the people you hooked up actually already knew each other? Isn’t the point of professional help to expand your horizons?
To that end, we ask that you shut down your practice immediately. Cordially — the Dateless People of Salem.
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